Tomatoberry

Regal, you are faced with a speed bump. You are learning to talk slowly, move slowly, feel slowly. You are learning the ways of the ancients. The best advice you have heard today is, “learn not to speak unless it improves the silence.” Now, Regal, there are those who would oppose such a phrase. There are those who think that this is silly, but you know different. For you, child, are one who would always speak the heart, the mind. Forever and ever you could not calm your spirit. It is now that you are learning to develop such an essential skill. Silence is a virtue. For with silence comes thought, patience. Give yourself the time you deserve. Think before you talk, talk before you panic. Learn to move slowly. Not everything is a rush. Efficiency is different than speed. Learn to roll over these bumps slowly, life will vary the sizes. You must speak without talking. You must pace yourself without walking. A turtle does not envy the cheetah. Though a cheetah may devour it’s prey, a turtle is kind and truly appreciate the flavor and savory of the tomato.

This Terpentine Chaser's Got Kick

I am waking up. The subtle dust covering is not enough to keep me sleepy. Hitting rock bottom is no longer an option for me, the only way to go; the only way I choose is up. There are many of us, all different personalities. All careful people. But we are wrong; we cannot be a solid rock for those we love if we are not solid rocks for ourselves. It is hurtful to think about this pain. It is a lonely, desolate palace. The royalty therein is blind to the position. There are few, and they are far in-between, that trust to seek what they find. There are few that are not afraid, well, afraid maybe but courageous enough to pursue savior actions. It is a terrifying feeling, to know that you want more than anything to be a rock, to be solid, to be leaned on. There is no comfort in solace. Projecting one thing and hurting like another is getting us nowhere. This sky is grey, this earth is dead from the frigid winter brisk. These buildings spew smoke, crave live, desire energy. The city is mellow, there is no one, nothing, nowhere. A drive down an ancient road proves to be more than lonely, it is downright dangerous. To hide these emotions is suicide, to show them is growth, painful, bloody growth. There is no choice but up, but growth. I am left to deal with all of the anger, hurt, raw emotion. But not alone. Although this palace is barren, my prince has come and there is much united development to be had. Not to be void of all discretion, this is never wearing out. The apologies only go so far, there is a painful realization that it has gone wrong, and my heart bleeds purple. You are the light at the end of this journey, you are the sweet end. Now, to find my way out of the palace in which I have held myself captive for so many years. So many years yet to be discovered.

She Wishes She Were A Dancer

Today I am overwhelmed. I am being analyzed. My boss just called me and told me that the property numbers are being looked at since we have so many vacant units. I don't get it. I mean, I understand that we do have a lot of vacant units (35/175). I get it. Corporate set us a potential "goal" of renting twelve units per month. Well, as a matter of fact, we didn't have said "goal" last month. We had twelve move ins last month. As of December 3, 2009 (today) we have had three move ins and have taken applications for three apartments, we are ahead of where we were last month, and December is the toughest month on apartment communities as far as move ins go. I am advertising more than anyone in the company. And not that it matters to anyone else, but I am a fraction of every other manager's age. Where they are saying that most managers are close-minded to new advertising and suggestions, I am the one making those suggestions. There was even a gentleman in the office earlier this morning that made a comment about how much we "popped" up on the internet when he was doing research. I am working as hard as I can with a limited budget, I get advertising ideas shot down all of the time. Not enough.

The subtle inner-letdown.

This week's lesson is called patience... again. I am calm for the most part, and this is the sunray. It is but when someone begins raising their voice and saying nasty things that I feel the need to talk. I do not scream. I do not say improper words. I simply, and apatheticly, state the facts. Of course, when one does not like those stated facts, one turns off. Take for instance, this gentleman came into the office earlier this afternoon and was upset because his toilet had leaked, causing a small flood, at some point and instead of choosing to either contactthe office or call the emergency pager number, he took matters into his own hands and spent "$300.00" cleaning up the mess and fixing the problem. A work order had been put into effect a little over a month earlier and maintenance had gone to correct mulitple issues, among which was a "loose toilet". He entered the situation upset, he wouldn't listen to reason or policy, and left upset.

It is now that I feel I lost control in the situation. I was unable to difuse his anger.

A Sensitive Marriage: Tact and Finesse

Last week’s lesson, though I was mostly too sick to write about it was about becoming a sensitive being. My immature attitude was, “I do not care how they feel, I am going to say it like I see it.” My maturing attitude, is knowing when to keep quiet and when it is appropriate to say something, learning to consider sensitivity. To incorporate love and sweetness.

I wish I was a Betty Crocker wife sometimes, a stay at home mom. To cook and clean and take care of life’s little issues, pay the bills so my husband has no other worry besides work. I wish that we had the capability. I know it’s a silly dream, especially for such a raw, young couple. We make decent money but I will never be a stay at home mom. My fear now is that I worked so hard to get into property management, and I do an excellent job, but I am just not happy. Just not fulfilled. I am horrible at taking the stresses of the position, I hate breaking these people’s hearts. However, I do love and respect the industry. If I can get enough experience under my belt, to manage an “A” property. I get so depressed, going to work in the ghetto. If only I could be surrounded by beautiful things, a big office, a club house…. I am career empty.

This bitter chill….

It is days like today that I understand more and more that though I do consider myself successful in my young age, I do not think that I could work for someone else for the rest of my life.  I hear stories of people in this industry who earn their real estate license and eventually do that as a full time position.  I think that might just be the way to go for me.  I can have my management position and experience under my belt, which will teach me patience.  Though as I get older I would like to have the choice of not working under someone else, of making my own hours, and taking the time that I need to spend with my future children.  This middle management business, as hard as I worked for it, is not a decent fit but is a gracious start on my stepping stones.

It is not the what-ifs, but the delightful romance of life.

“Stop letting your fear rule you.” This statement surprised me when my mom wrote me. I do live so much of my life in fear. My head is always filled with “what-ifs” and potential situations. My father’s advice was always, “plan for the worst but hope for the best”. After a few years of hardship and growth both in my personal life and my life with Michael, I have brainwashed myself into thinking that it is okay to fear life. I am afraid all of the time, full of the “what-ifs”. What if I don’t get people to lease these apartments? Will I get fired? Will I get demoted. I was blessed with a challenge for my first managing job. What if this legal stuff goes wrong? What if there are secrets? What if there are more lies? What if I get hurt? The reality is, there are going to be things that pop up. There is going to be pain, there will be problems. I am paying more attention now to our finances than I ever have, to the credit scores, and all that goes along with them. Michael and I have dreams together, to have a beautiful (but affordable) wedding, to have a tropical honeymoon, to purchase our first home and start a little Pearce family. Plan, though, patience. I am learning this painful but lifesaving lesson incredibly slowly. You must learn these qualities, Tiara, to teach them to your children. They shall be sons and daughters of a Pharmacist and Real Estate Broker. So this is starving, yes it’s insatiable, yes this love for the first time. You’d like to think that you were invincible once… yes… weren’t we all once before we felt love for the first time? Our brilliant dance……

The Luck of the Moderately Irish

Love. I am finding mine is growing daily for not only Michael but for all of those around me. I am truly putting in an effort to learn and develop patience and understanding. It is a difficult task for me. I look at Mike every morning and realize more and more what a lucky and blessed person I am to have him. Every now and then I snap back into my teenage self, the one I like to forget, and become impatient and not understanding. I love that Michael is going back to school for us. For our future family. How lucky am I that I found a man that really wants to take care of me, of our potential children. I love him for this, for wanting to better himself and his life situation. To become a pharmacist. He chooses me. Whenever I want something or need something, he would place me first. If we have a small clothing budget, he chooses for me to have a nice coat (when I already have a coat) instead of him getting new pants. I almost had to force him to get new shoes (which he desperately needed) and a new belt. I am lucky that he flaunts me and that I am so important to him. He is my world and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He is my rock. Thank you, Michael, you are an amazing and wonderful man. I am love planning our wedding and am incredibly excited to spend the rest of our lives with each other. You are the calm to my storm.

Ready, set, grow.

Time to grow up again. This weeks focus is on money. Building a nest egg. The ability to save money vs. the ability to transfer in and out of accounts. We are never going to be able to save any money, do anything… go to Hawaii if we don’t start taking this seriously. Save money. There is a need to go to Vegas, to Hawaii, to invest in a home at some point. The ability to truly save money and not spend on impulse is a maturity issue. Ready, set, grow.

The Flavor of Victory is Called "SourCane"

Times so bitter became so sweet. I had a rough started three and a half years ago when I started at The Birch. I was unsure of the area, the lady in charge was a difficult person to work with/for. My mom's advice to me was to always hang in here. Through my forced commitment to this place I successfully graduated from beauty college and earned my cosmetology license. This company has been good to me, and I have earned many awards through these years here. I have been lucky enough to be stubborn in my leasing position here, finally being promoted (through no choice, forced exclusion) to assistant manager. After six months of being an assistant manager, I have proven worthy and earned a shot at being manager, I am facing an extreme challenge. Stacks of paperwork reminds me of the carpet hall in Aladdin. The residential issues are going to be difficult. I am ecstatic. Though it is heartbreaking to leave The Birch, it is thrilling to discover what is over this giant hill. I have been nesteled in this green valley for a few years now and it is time to move on. Louie said it best when he mentioned that "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." Wish me luck, friends, as I travel onward. I will, of course, keep you updated on thoughts, feelings, and the struggles along the way. It will be made much easier when Mike and I get new computers as I will not be allowed the luxury of smooth sailing. I will be engulfed in work, the process. I am hoping to discover new worlds. This flavor is called sourcane. This feeling is called limbo.

Glowing Perspective

There is a challenge. We call it discovery. I am terrified, excited, nervous, and joyful. A new adventure kisses the horizon and I am currently left in limbo. It does not become the question, "should I or shouldn't I," instead it breaks a new dawn, revealing colors I did not understand before, a new strength I did not know I possessed. The once sandy beaches and tangerine sunsets are left behind only to be discovered by a new wave. What is this wonder? A new world is just ahead, I can see the peaks of the mountains. I can smell the air, feel the crisp mornings. As a legacy dies, fall gives birth to an upcoming dream. Flames.

The view of the dreadful fire has since been extinguished, leaving only ashes for this phoenix to be born, again. There are the views, the stages, awful sensations. There are surges of insecurity, creativity, passion. A challenge presents itself, asserts my soul. Stares into my multi-colored eyes. A giant dare, a faint scare. A living pawn is suddenly thinking, viewing life as a new-born. Educated.

Shouldn't I Have Something To Do?

A new thinking is born, as happens many times in a woman's life, that the idea of not committing to an idea, per se, is a beautiful gift. Julia Child wasn't married until she was in her 40's. She remained a virgin all of those years. At 6'2", a tree of a woman, blossomed into being Julia Child. Once married, she became a sexual beast. Reportedly making love to her husband almost everyday on his lunch break. A romantic. A dreamer. She was looking, in her 40's, to re-invent herself. She kept true to her nature, true to her heart, and began cooking. Her famous book, "The Art of French Cooking", was published when she was 50 years of age.

Then there is me. Twenty three and insane. I feel as though I am constantly trying to reinvent, or invent in the first place, who I am and what I want to do. Shouldn't I have something to do. Whether entertaining the thought of purchasing a house, upgrading our outdated computer system, going back to school, or just changing the color of my hair, I am a mess. I am a passionate person, and the feelings that I feel are deep and they do not hide well. They do not hide at all. When I am happy, the sun shines right through my eyes. The saddness, indeed, brings dark clouds all around. I wonder how, in my now-years, and later years I will choose to reinvent myself. If being twenty three and acting older will bring more youth to my older ages. If a college degree will ultimately make a differance in my life plan. I, of course, have no answers and remain clueless. Stay with me. There are going to be twists and obsticals along my path. I can't wait.

The Pink Martini (virgin of course)

The words strike me straight through my stomach. I am not a perfect being. I have always walked tall, as though I was a giant and all the people in the world were in my playground. Today, walking home, I looked to the sky only to discover that tall isn't really anything at all. What are the ceilings but captors of our lives? Our world has been built around humans, not the misconception of the giant I am. I am beginning to like the bitterness of the martini. Though I really do want a little sugar in my bowl. I have felt though I am a small adult, I am an adult. Not always brought up in the brightest of lights, a lot of my childhood was dim and dismal. However, I have prevailed, and feel as though it is time to grow up, time to become a full-grown adult. Though I am still quite fond of the flavor of kool-aid, I have grown even fonder of Diet Pepsi, a true adult beverage. I still eat cereal for breakfast, I am maturing slowly, though this progression has been a series of quick pains. I am learning to let go, slow down, take a step back and let the other adults around me shine through my clouds. I am not the forty-foot tall woman as I once thought, I am a measly small adult. All five-foot-four of me. A painful realization this has been. All of the time I spent in my youth trying to build myself up, grow up, and here I am, full-grown and small. This was not what I thought it would be at all. I still panic, but the lessons that are coming with that panic are teaching me to have a picnic in that panic. To not only eat the strawberries but enjoy every last morssel. To not buy the cookies, but to enjoy making them. Slow down. Don't grow so tall.

With every act, word, or thought, you are adding to all that is.

Purple had a bit of sin to it, I decided, but stayed elegant and beautiful just the same. With all of the class in the world. Huong Vietnam was my inspiration, the night before my execution. The rain poured down, the best I has seen in ages. Though my shower was candlelit, the room screamed of brightness from the sparks of hope in the sky. Each ounce of glitter was like an epiphany. The rain flooded as an idea, cleansing for an old soul. Should I live through tomorrow, some promises must be made. Acquire patience as a skill. Save money in two places, a useful "someday" fund, and a travel fund. Important in life is it to see my new liquid hope, the rain, all over the world. Thailand. Vietnam. Egypt. Ireland. India. Through the fear, the Phoenix is reborn. Life must be lived cleanly. Treated as a temple, over a trillion drops, a single cleansing tear forms. Appreciation. Purple will always have sin but through this renaissance during this worldly rain is born maturity. The day is not bright. It is gloomy, cold, green just like I love it.

I am grateful for you. I honor the place where you find your "self". You are the light of day and the black of night. I am honored to bear witness to all of your compliments and contradictions. For all your peaks and valleys, for all your highs and lows for every crest and wave you ride, I view you no different. I love you the same. You are complete just as you are.

Karma is not the cause of suffering. It is, rather, an opportunity to learn.

Of Vietnam and Twin Babies

"The monsoons came daily. Everyday, like clockwork, at three in the afternoon, they came and poured on us like a wall of water. My husband, being in the Company, would come and get me, we would watch the boats swim by us. We were on the 'other' side of the river, where the Company said it was cheaper and safer for us to live. As a young woman, newlywed, my twin girls were but six weeks old. Once, when the house girls were watching the children, my husband took me to the flower market. They were inexpensive and smelled sweet. After every monsoon, everything smelled so sweet. He took me to see the workers, we traveled on the back of a man who carried a bike, and ran into John Wayne. He was waiting for the rain to stop, though it seemed like we were always waiting for the rain to stop. It was hot, to the point that makeup would just fall off of your face. The humidity completely outdid the heat. My husband bought me traditional Vietnamese clothing, which was much lighter and easier to wear then that of the American clothing I had brought from the States. An American doctor lived a few miles from us, just outside of the city. The night my husband took us to meet him, I met the largest baby I had ever seen. He must have been 20 pounds at two-and-a-half months old. It was the grandest experience, like being outside of myself. I almost didn't want to come back home to the States, but I knew the country was not at it's safest peak, that we were in danger every second of life there, no matter how well the company treated us. I could not see past the beauty, however. The tradition and all of life, how it was so sacred. All three years were like Heaven on Earth. Bangkok. Hong Kong. Siagon, Vietnam. Like Heaven on Earth."

-Lois M. Barber, age 72

Calculating a Formula for Peace of the Inner Kind

It has occur ed to me that I know almost nothing. When I was a teenager, I felt empowered, strong, confident. I knew everything. As most young teenage women, I was on top of the world. Through much pain and hard self-reflection, I have discovered that I, in fact, know nothing. I have never been out of the country. I have never really been places without "adult" supervision. Even when Mike and I took our vacation this past January to Florida, Jerry's parents were there. I am at the fine line in my life that is separating my teenage angst and ignorance from true adulthood. I am maturing, and am trying to do it the "right way". Not to say that my mistakes will not harm me. That I have come to a complete understanding that I know nothing and a true appreciation for the wisdom I see in other people. Mike is one of the smartest people that I know. He is knowledge ninja. Though he may not always be so vocal about the things going on in his head, he is thinking constantly. He put himself though school the first time, and he is excited to go back for more education. He is calm. When I am freaking out, panicking, he is in control of himself. Now, he might not have always been that way, but he is today. Strong, confident, calm. Truly happy. He lives each day as if it might be his last. I, through self-reflection, have found my fear to be childish. Unfounded. Today, this morning, I feel more empowered, more in charge, and with more self-control than I have had in the past. Self-control is such an acquired taste :)

Better, Stronger, Wiser

I have been thinking a lot lately about stress and the various ways of handling it. Even doing something as small (and a difficult) as looking at things in a brighter light helps out so much. For instance; last night Mike and I went to Wal-Mart to go buy some food for our upcoming camping trip this weekend. When we came out of the store, it was raining and Michael told me to go run and get in the car so I wouldn't get so wet. He said just to make sure the trunk was unlocked. He got soaked, staying in the rain the way he did just to make sure I was happy and dry. He even turned down my help when I offered. Not that it was a giant act of kindness, but things like that really make me understand how much he loves me. I have been reading a lot of "advice" and information on healthy and successful marriages (okay, I know we are not married yet, but we might as well be). It seems to me that all of the hardship and turmoil that we went through and are going through will benefit us as a couple in the long run as well as adding a benefit to my personal inner-self. I am coming to realize that the more pain that we go through together, and that I go through for myself, the stronger my relationship becomes with Michael and other family members. Also, the amount of personal growth I have been undergoing it tremendous. What doesn't kills me makes me stronger, happier, wiser, more confident :)

Book of Judges

As I find myself getting older, with my twenty-third birthday just behind me (I know, I never said I was old, just that I am getting older), I am finding beauty in the aging maturity of some of my peers. We have come so far, from stealing garden hoses to breaking hearts. I truly try to be in touch with both my body and mind. This task is incredibly important to me as I feel my body can tell me something is "wrong" or "amiss" before my brain can relay it to me. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to let go of some of the "control" issues I was having. It is an amazing feeling to understand that whatever will come, will come. Regardless of how much I stress out over it, how much I worry. I am realizing that when I am stressed, it comes out in the most negative ways, usually on Mike since he is the closest one to me. I am also starting to love the fact that while my relationships (personal and professional) are not even close to perfect, people are more willing to love and accept those imperfections of mine.

Take yesterday for instance. I wore a black balloon skirt and a turtle-neck tee-shirt with zebra print black and white wedges to work. Now this is what Mike and I both call a "fashion disaster". However, I got nothing but compliments all day long. I am starting to think that people are not always so judgemental of me. That I am my own worst critic and enemy. I am in love with these new discoveries. I feel like I am five years old going on forty. Not yet married. No children (unless the dogs count). I am happy with the choices I have made in my life so far and the choices that Mike and I have made in our relationship. We have had a far from perfect union, but we have put each other through a lot and if we can make it through those kind of things, I think we can make it through most anything. Once I become more confident, less insecure (working on it every day) I think it will help us to become even closer. I have been quite goofy the past week or so and have really enjoyed being around Mike (I always do). I am trying to release the stress. Give myself permission that it is okay to feel happy, to feel good, to be confident in the decisions I make. I am learning to trust myself and then trust in others will follow.

Since I started this blog, I had better make an entry.

Recently Michael and I decided to forego all of the previous wedding options (Colorado or Hawaii) and get hitched in Las Vegas. This decision was made about a week ago and already people are planning on coming! I can't believe that there is so much to do! So much to plan! I am getting married. Such a giant reality. As for the planning: Which hotel to stay at? Where to hold the ceremony? There are so many questions!