Of Vietnam and Twin Babies

"The monsoons came daily. Everyday, like clockwork, at three in the afternoon, they came and poured on us like a wall of water. My husband, being in the Company, would come and get me, we would watch the boats swim by us. We were on the 'other' side of the river, where the Company said it was cheaper and safer for us to live. As a young woman, newlywed, my twin girls were but six weeks old. Once, when the house girls were watching the children, my husband took me to the flower market. They were inexpensive and smelled sweet. After every monsoon, everything smelled so sweet. He took me to see the workers, we traveled on the back of a man who carried a bike, and ran into John Wayne. He was waiting for the rain to stop, though it seemed like we were always waiting for the rain to stop. It was hot, to the point that makeup would just fall off of your face. The humidity completely outdid the heat. My husband bought me traditional Vietnamese clothing, which was much lighter and easier to wear then that of the American clothing I had brought from the States. An American doctor lived a few miles from us, just outside of the city. The night my husband took us to meet him, I met the largest baby I had ever seen. He must have been 20 pounds at two-and-a-half months old. It was the grandest experience, like being outside of myself. I almost didn't want to come back home to the States, but I knew the country was not at it's safest peak, that we were in danger every second of life there, no matter how well the company treated us. I could not see past the beauty, however. The tradition and all of life, how it was so sacred. All three years were like Heaven on Earth. Bangkok. Hong Kong. Siagon, Vietnam. Like Heaven on Earth."

-Lois M. Barber, age 72

Calculating a Formula for Peace of the Inner Kind

It has occur ed to me that I know almost nothing. When I was a teenager, I felt empowered, strong, confident. I knew everything. As most young teenage women, I was on top of the world. Through much pain and hard self-reflection, I have discovered that I, in fact, know nothing. I have never been out of the country. I have never really been places without "adult" supervision. Even when Mike and I took our vacation this past January to Florida, Jerry's parents were there. I am at the fine line in my life that is separating my teenage angst and ignorance from true adulthood. I am maturing, and am trying to do it the "right way". Not to say that my mistakes will not harm me. That I have come to a complete understanding that I know nothing and a true appreciation for the wisdom I see in other people. Mike is one of the smartest people that I know. He is knowledge ninja. Though he may not always be so vocal about the things going on in his head, he is thinking constantly. He put himself though school the first time, and he is excited to go back for more education. He is calm. When I am freaking out, panicking, he is in control of himself. Now, he might not have always been that way, but he is today. Strong, confident, calm. Truly happy. He lives each day as if it might be his last. I, through self-reflection, have found my fear to be childish. Unfounded. Today, this morning, I feel more empowered, more in charge, and with more self-control than I have had in the past. Self-control is such an acquired taste :)

Better, Stronger, Wiser

I have been thinking a lot lately about stress and the various ways of handling it. Even doing something as small (and a difficult) as looking at things in a brighter light helps out so much. For instance; last night Mike and I went to Wal-Mart to go buy some food for our upcoming camping trip this weekend. When we came out of the store, it was raining and Michael told me to go run and get in the car so I wouldn't get so wet. He said just to make sure the trunk was unlocked. He got soaked, staying in the rain the way he did just to make sure I was happy and dry. He even turned down my help when I offered. Not that it was a giant act of kindness, but things like that really make me understand how much he loves me. I have been reading a lot of "advice" and information on healthy and successful marriages (okay, I know we are not married yet, but we might as well be). It seems to me that all of the hardship and turmoil that we went through and are going through will benefit us as a couple in the long run as well as adding a benefit to my personal inner-self. I am coming to realize that the more pain that we go through together, and that I go through for myself, the stronger my relationship becomes with Michael and other family members. Also, the amount of personal growth I have been undergoing it tremendous. What doesn't kills me makes me stronger, happier, wiser, more confident :)

Book of Judges

As I find myself getting older, with my twenty-third birthday just behind me (I know, I never said I was old, just that I am getting older), I am finding beauty in the aging maturity of some of my peers. We have come so far, from stealing garden hoses to breaking hearts. I truly try to be in touch with both my body and mind. This task is incredibly important to me as I feel my body can tell me something is "wrong" or "amiss" before my brain can relay it to me. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to let go of some of the "control" issues I was having. It is an amazing feeling to understand that whatever will come, will come. Regardless of how much I stress out over it, how much I worry. I am realizing that when I am stressed, it comes out in the most negative ways, usually on Mike since he is the closest one to me. I am also starting to love the fact that while my relationships (personal and professional) are not even close to perfect, people are more willing to love and accept those imperfections of mine.

Take yesterday for instance. I wore a black balloon skirt and a turtle-neck tee-shirt with zebra print black and white wedges to work. Now this is what Mike and I both call a "fashion disaster". However, I got nothing but compliments all day long. I am starting to think that people are not always so judgemental of me. That I am my own worst critic and enemy. I am in love with these new discoveries. I feel like I am five years old going on forty. Not yet married. No children (unless the dogs count). I am happy with the choices I have made in my life so far and the choices that Mike and I have made in our relationship. We have had a far from perfect union, but we have put each other through a lot and if we can make it through those kind of things, I think we can make it through most anything. Once I become more confident, less insecure (working on it every day) I think it will help us to become even closer. I have been quite goofy the past week or so and have really enjoyed being around Mike (I always do). I am trying to release the stress. Give myself permission that it is okay to feel happy, to feel good, to be confident in the decisions I make. I am learning to trust myself and then trust in others will follow.

Since I started this blog, I had better make an entry.

Recently Michael and I decided to forego all of the previous wedding options (Colorado or Hawaii) and get hitched in Las Vegas. This decision was made about a week ago and already people are planning on coming! I can't believe that there is so much to do! So much to plan! I am getting married. Such a giant reality. As for the planning: Which hotel to stay at? Where to hold the ceremony? There are so many questions!